For most of my life, I identified myself as a person who “doesn’t let things go” — as if this was a badge of honor that I willingly carry everything and can withstand the weight. I thought that it made me a good person to “never give up” and it always felt like my life depended on how tight I could grasp every situation. And because this was so deeply known about me, people often used it to their advantage. It lead to a lot of heartache, that I can now partially take responsibility for.
Over the years and as I began healing, this was a really difficult thing for me to work through. Between my intrusive thoughts and OCD, I hyper-fixate on situations that hurt me to the point where it makes me sick. It was a jarring experience to openly admit to myself that I am not responsible for carrying the outcomes of situations and that my grip on circumstances did not define me as a person. It was equally as hard to learn how to be okay no matter what the outcomes were, and not base my self-worth off of them.
About six years ago, I began journaling more often. I would jot down every single thing in my head (and believe me, there were a lot of thoughts flying around at rapid speeds), to the point where I was going through at least one notebook a week. I didn’t have anywhere else to put them — I didn’t have a support system growing up, and I couldn’t talk about how I felt without it being overwhelming. There was too much, it was too much, I was too much. And I don’t say that in a self-sabotagey kind of way. I mean that I was too much for myself, I was overflowing and constantly in shambles. So, I knew I loved writing, and I turned to that as my outlet: something I could rely on, that wouldn’t judge me or spill my secrets or cover it up with some lame cliché.
I wanted so badly to be loved. For people to see me, and love me, and value me. So much so that I would hang onto them as long as possible so that they would see I was one-of-a-kind, ride-or-die. At the end of the day, it really didn’t matter what kind of person I was, people will act how they want to act. They will do what they want to do. Regardless, I always stayed.
Fast forward in my healing journey, here, at the age of 31, I can proudly say that I am very much not like that anymore. I have done an incredible amount of work on myself to get to this point but still, I struggle with certain aspects. I can recognize when something needs to be let go but the question I have always pondered is: HOW.
How do we let someone/something go? Where do we put it/them? Is it really that simple?
Yes and no. I hate looking at it as a “letting go”. I feel like that leaves so much room for interpretation. And quite frankly, I have never really understood exactly how to let something go, because everything in my life brings me so much emotion. It’s not easy to escape, especially being neurodivergent. I’m an empath through and through. I choose to look at it as a “putting it down”. What’s the difference?
When we’re letting something go, we have to remove our attachment to it. That’s really what the underlying struggle is, right? Attachment? I feel as though it’s easier to dismantle our attachments when we put something away for a while. When we’re holding something for entirely too long, it’s exhausting. Think of it this way: when we’re carrying something we have to put it down. Sometimes we even forget that it’s there and then we’re not worrying about it so much. Maybe we have to quite literally put things down in order to release our attachment to them. This goes for people, too.
I find it better to ease into “letting go” by “putting it down” first. Sometimes, situations need a break. Sometimes that break is permanent, but you won’t know until you haven’t been carrying it for a while. Give yourself time to feel lighter, to let the weight slip off, to breathe a little easier. After all that time carrying something, you owe yourself the rest. Now that you’re not carrying it, how do you feel? Do you miss it? Can you go back to loving it without feeling as though you need to constantly hold onto it?
Here is an exercise I *literally* do every time I am struggling with deeply holding onto anything:
I stand and take three really long, deep breaths. I say the situation out loud, and I say how I feel about the situation. I hold my hands together as if it is a literal object that I am holding, I place the “imaginary” box that I’m holding down, and I make a mental note in my brain that I have put it down to rest. I take a few more breaths, and I walk away from what I put down.
I find that after doing this, I have a much easier time disconnecting from it. Every time I think about it, I mentally say, “No, I have put that down for now.” And it is a constant practice, yes, but one that helps me ease into eventually letting go if I have to.
I think we are all really hard on ourselves. If we can practice putting things down more often, maybe we are also making room to pick up more of the things that bring us to feeling lighter.
All my love.
In case you didn’t know, my book is available for pre-order! The next couple of weeks will be extremely hectic since release day is soon approaching, and I will do my best to make sure my newsletters go out every Sunday! If you’d like to preorder, Good Grief will be available wherever books are sold. I’ll attach a quick link for you. I love you all.
I have been having such a heard time trying to learn how to “properly” let go, of things that no longer serve me, of doubt and limiting beliefs from old experience that hold me back from experiencing my new mindsets, goals and desires, and of the things that have been so ingrained in the roots of my soul and my personal foundation for so long. This is so incredibly helpful. Such a simple concept, yet so insightful. Putting it down, putting it away, and focusing on the new that’s now in front of you, or anything else you have been looking to prioritize over the weight you had been carrying for so long. Thank you for sharing ❤️❤️